Forget How to Feel
by asianpersuasion10
Summary: When everything has been taken from you, how hard is it to put yourself back together? Can the heart of a woman make you feel again? AH, AU, ExB.


"The regular, Ms. Swan," the bartender smiled as he placed the Disaronno on the rocks in front of me.

"Thanks, Jake," I smiled. "Small crowd tonight." I had found this small bar just down the street from where I worked as a social worker. There were nights when the chaos of work was overwhelming that all that would loosen me up was a bit of alcohol and pleasant conversation. I quickly became friends with the bar's owner, Jake, and he was always there with an open ear.

"Yeah, I guess because since the holidays are getting closer, people decided they would spend it with their loved ones," Jake said drying a few tumblers and placing them upside down underneath the counter.

"I guess so," I sighed remembering that my holiday was going to be spent at my apartment alone with Chinese takeout and a good book. "You got any big plans for the holidays?"

"Yeah, Leah and I are going back to Washington to visit my dad," Jake said as he leaned against be back counter. "What about you?"

"Nah, it's just me this year," I smiled taking a sip of the amber liquid in front of me.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Jake smiled. He was such a caring guy I couldn't help but wish I could find a guy like that for myself one day. Leah is one lucky girl.

"Uh…all the boxes are emptied," I heard a velvety voice say from a few feet away. I turned to the right to see the most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes on. He was 6'1, fair skinned, chiseled jaw, broad shoulders, messy bronze hair, and deep green eyes. I could hardly will my eyes somewhere else as I just sat there and stared like an idiot.

"Thanks, Edward. Why don't you go ahead and head out. It's slow tonight, and tomorrow I'm going to need you to be on your toes," Jake said.

"Alright, see ya," Edward said never smiling. Never looking up from the ground. I felt the need to comfort him. To pull him into my arms and tell him everything was going to be OK. To run my fingers through his hair and take care of his every need. There was a pull in my heart that I had never felt before. There was something about _that_ man, and I needed to figure out what it was.

"Bells…Bells…" I finally was broken from my daze to see Jake smiling like an idiot.

"What" I asked playing dumb. I knew very well what was coming next.

"Just…just be careful around him, alright," Jake said refilling my glass and made his way to attend to another customer.

I polished off my drink before placing a twenty on the bar and slipping on my jacket. "See ya, Jake," I yelled to him at the end of the bar.

"Bye Bells," Jake waved as I turned around to exit. I worked just three blocks from my apartment, so I started my trek home. Before I rounded the corner I saw a familiar figure sitting slumped over on a bench with his hands threaded through his bronze hair. I battled internally with myself. Should I see if he's alright? You don't know him he might be a crazy axe murderer! He might be a caring man once you get to know him. The latter won out.

I cleared my throat in hopes that he would hear me. He slowly lifted his gaze to meet mine, expecting his eyes to sparkle in the moonlight I was taken aback at what I did see. Nothing. They were empty. There was no sparkle, there was no emotion.

"It's…Edward, right?" I asked shyly, hoping I would not freak him out. He didn't say anything. He just sat there gazing into my hopeful eyes. "I'm Bella, do you care if I sit down?" I didn't want to take the seat next to him if it would make him uncomfortable. That was the last thing that I wanted to do.

He didn't say anything. He just looked up at me and then looked back down in his lap. I took that as not a rejection. So, I slowly took a seat next to him playing with my fingers in my lap trying to think of something to say without freaking him out. "How long have you worked for Jake?" It was the only thing that I could think of that might get him talking. It wasn't too personal, but it would give me some sort of insight on his background.

"Tonight was my first night," Edward said still looking down at his lap.

"No wonder I haven't seen you in there before," I said, my attempt to get some sort of reaction from him. He responded only by nodding his head and running his hand through his unruly mane. I had to bite back a grown as I watched his fingers thread through his hair. My fingers twitched in anticipation to tug on it myself while his hands roamed my body. _Fuck, Bella, focus! _ I shook my head in order to get back on task. "Do you have big plans for the holidays?"

"No," he replied. I was kind of getting tired of the short answers.

"What about your family? Are you spending the holidays with them?" Surely he had a family that he would be spending time with. The holidays always seemed to revolve around family.

"No," he replied once again. His voice was sad and angry at this point, so I decided to drop it. Maybe tonight he just wanted to be alone. So, I took that as my cue to leave.

"It was nice meeting you, Edward. I'm sorry for taking up your time," I said softly as I got up to make my way back to my apartment.

"Bella, wait," I heard as I felt a calloused hand grab mine. I stopped where I was and turned around to see Edward standing there with saddened eyes. "I do have a family, but I haven't spoke to them in two years."

My heart broke for him. At least he still had a family. I sat back down on the bench and he followed. I placed my hand atop his and gave a small squeeze of encouragement to continue.

Edward closed his eyes, inhaled deeply pinching the bridge of his nose and started recounting his past.

"Four years ago my wife and two year old little girl were murdered right in front of my face.

--------FLASHBACK--------

_The sound of glass breaking woke me up. I looked over at the bedside clock to read 2:00 A.M. My beautiful wife was still asleep, so I gently woke her, telling her to stay here until I came back. She nodded sleepily before drifting off back to sleep. _

_I got up quietly and grabbed my aluminum baseball bat that was hidden beside the dresser and an adjacent wall and quietly walked out of our bedroom and into the hallway. I slowly walked by my two year old daughters room and in the living room where I saw a dark figure standing with his back toward me facing a large bookshelf. _

"_Daddy!" my daughter squealed as she came running out of her room and into the living room with my wife hurrying behind her. _

_BANG! BANG! _

--------FLASHBACK--------

"Daddy was the last thing I remember hearing before I found myself covered in blood holding the lifeless bodies of my wife and child," Edward sobbed. I didn't know what to say. I was speechless. There was nothing I could say that could take his pain away. There was nothing I could say to make his wife and child come back. "The guy panicked when he saw me, my wife, and daughter standing there watching him. I wasn't fast enough to put myself in front of them to protect them. I froze as I watched him point the gun at Tanya and then at my little girl."

"Edward, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you've been through," I cried. I placed my palm on his cheek wiping away the tears that escaped his emerald eyes with my thumb.

"I killed him, Bella. I killed the man that took my two girls with my own two hands. I'm a monster!" Edward yanked his hands from mine and jammed them in his hair. A habit I was beginning to love.

"Edward, it was self defense. He would have killed you too," I replied knowing full well there was no way he would get any jail time for what he did.

"That's what my lawyer said, so I got off without jail time. But I couldn't be around my family. They were hurting enough as it was. So, I moved to Seattle. Stayed there for while before I realized that I couldn't keep running away. My parents live here in Chicago, but I have yet to talk to them." Edward slowly then placed his hand back in mine as he inhaled deeply once more.

"Do they even know you're here?" I asked. Edward just shook his head. "Edward, you need to tell them. They're probably worried sick about you."

"I don't know, I just…" Edward sighed placing his elbows on his knees, face in hands.

"Just promise me you'll think about it?" I asked rubbing soothing circles on his back.

"I promise," Edward whispered back.

"Hey listen, I've gotta get up early tomorrow, but if you don't have any plans for tomorrow night and just want some company, here's my card." I said pulling it from my purse and holding it out to him. "My address is on the back. I just live around the corner."

"Thanks," Edward said slowly grabbing the card and putting it into his pocket without a glance.

"It was nice to meet you, Edward," I smiled as I got up from the bench placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Bella?" Edward said looking up at me. I turned my gaze to him. "Thank you, for listening to me. For caring."

"You're more than welcome, Edward. Good night," I smiled before walking around the bench and toward my apartment.

………………..

It was Christmas Eve, when most people were with their loved ones opening presents and being cheerful, here I was sitting on my couch with Chinese takeout watching Sex and the City reruns. Why, you ask am I not with my friends or family? My friends were with their families and well, my parents passed away five years ago in a vehicle accident, leaving me, their only child on God's green earth.

Around ten o'clock P.M. there was a knock on my door. Not expecting anyone and dressed in my favorite pair of boxer shorts and a Seattle Mariner's t-shirt, I opened the door to a gorgeous man with green eyes.

"Edward," I breathed not really believing that he was standing in front of me.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I…I wasn't…" Edward stuttered running a hand through his messy locks.

I couldn't help but smile. "I'm glad you came. I didn't think you would take me up on my offer."

"Well, I couldn't let you spend Christmas Eve alone," Edward said as I took a step back letting him in as he closed the door behind him.

I smiled up at him only to be mesmerized by his emerald eyes. It was as if I could see that he was willing to let me in. They were cautious, but welcoming and not as sad as they were the night we met. That had to mean something, right?

"So, how was work?" I asked not being able to think of anything else to talk about.

"Slow," Edward said as he ran a hand through his hair. "I called my parents."

"Edward, that's great! I'm so proud of you," I smiled taking a step toward him only to stop abruptly seeing panic in his eyes.

"I'm going to see them tomorrow," he whispered looking down at the floor.

"That's great, Edward," I said. I wasn't sure what was going on with him. Why he looked panicked just a moment ago.

"I…I can't go there alone. Will…will you maybe…I mean you don't have to…but could you possibly go…I mean…go with me?" Edward finally sputtered.

"I don't know Edward, I just…" I said furrowing her brow and looking down at the carpet.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I shouldn't have asked you to do that," Edward said running a hand through his hair. "I just…I don't know what it is about you, but you somehow calm me. Your presence is soothing, and I don't know, I just thought…"

"Edward, I would love to go with you," I smiled. I wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do, but this is what Edward wanted…needed in order to be able to face his parents. He took a huge step by contacting them, and I couldn't be more proud of him.

"Bella, you don't have to, really," Edward said.

"Edward, you have the same effect on me. I would be honored to go with you to see your parents," I told him honestly. He then looked up from the ground with the widest smile I had seen since we met. I couldn't help but smile right back.

"Bella, I haven't felt anything in a long time," Edward said as I stepped forward and cupped his cheek. He closed his eyes as he relaxed into my hand.

"Then let me help you," I whispered just inches from his face. He slowly opened his emerald eyes to me. They were no longer the empty vessels that I had first seen. They were full of fear, anger, and lust. I felt him shudder as he felt my warm breath reach his skin.

I closed the small gap between us placing my lips lightly against the side of his neck just under his earlobe. I placed one of my hands on his chest while the other wrapped around his neck playing the back of his hair.

"Mmmm…" Edward murmured as I continued to leave a trail of small kisses down his neck and across his jaw. Without needing any instruction I felt Edward's hands being placed on my waist. A perfect fit. I slowly made my way up to his mouth hearing his breathing becoming unsteady. I gently placed my hand on the side of his face, running my thumb slowly across the apple of his cheek. "How can you…how can you want me?"

"Edward…" I started as I saw his eyes close once more. "Edward, look at me." He slowly opened his eyes and focused on mine. "I don't care what you did in the past. I don't care that you think you don't deserve to be happy. Because you're wrong. You're such an amazing man and you deserve all the happiness in the world."

"No!" he all but yelled at me pushing me away from him. I couldn't help the sharp pain I felt in my heart. "I do not deserve to be happy. I'm a monster." I panicked as I watched him roughly run his hands through his hair closing his eyes and breathing in deeply. I slowly stepped closer leaving some space between us and tentatively reached up to touch the top of his forearm. I felt his tense posture relax immediately. I brought his hands down slowly and as he did so, I ran my hand down his arm intertwining my fingers with his.

I heard him inhale slowly and then let out a shaky breath. I was growing more frustrated by the minute. I couldn't believe how this man could think of himself this way. How anyone could do something to him, that would cause him to think that way. "Don't you dare say that," I warned. "Don't you dare think that you aren't worthy of happiness. Edward, you are a kind, intelligent, considerate, and caring man." He didn't say anything. He just stood there shaking his head at me. "Don't." I grabbed him by the chin to stop his shaking head. His eyes widened in shock at my abruptness. "Why did you come here, Edward?"

"I don't know," Edward sighed softly as he dropped his gaze to the floor.

"Well, when you figure that out, I'll be in the kitchen," I said turning making my way toward the kitchen. I busied myself by unloading the dishwasher in hopes that he would come in before I was finished so I wouldn't be just standing there waiting on him.

"I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella," a voice answered from behind me. I stood there, facing the sink with my palms on the counter. I heard the shuffle of his feet draw closer before I felt his strong arms wrap around my waist. "I want you, Bella, more than I've wanted anything in my entire life. I…I'm just not good enough for you," he whispered causing me to shiver.

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that," I said as I turned to face him. I grabbed the lapels of his jacket crushing his lips to mine. I had caught him by surprise, but was soon being pulled flush against his chest. My tongue swept along his bottom lip as I heard him moan, his arms wrapping tightly around my waist. My tongue darted out of my mouth and into his caressing it with care and want.

"God, Bella," Edward moaned into my mouth. I took that as my cue, and hitched one leg up onto his hip all the while our tongues wrestling in his hot mouth. He was an amazing kisser and I could stay like this forever!

I felt his hand grab onto the bottom of my thigh holding it to his hip. His strong hand caressed my thigh as his mouth made it's way down my jaw and to my neck.

"Mmmm…" I couldn't help the noises that came out of my mouth when this gorgeous man has his hands on me.

The way his hands felt against my skin was heaven on earth. The way he knew just how much pressure to apply to cause my eyes to roll to the back of my head.

"I need you Bella. I need to feel you," Edward panted.

I knew right then what I needed to do. Tonight was all about him. I could deal with my own pleasures later. Edward, needed to know that I was there for him and that I would do anything to see that gorgeous smile on his face. I extracted myself from him, whimpering slightly from missing his body pressing against mine. I entwined my fingers with his and led him into my bedroom. I could feel his eyes on me as I pulled him into the room and closed the door.

I placed one hand on his chest and pushed him back slowly until the back of his knees came in contact with the bed.

Right on cue, he sat down with his hands resting on my hips. I slowly reached up threading my fingers through his bronze mane. I watched as his eyes fluttered closed and his head fell forward slightly.

"Why are you so good to me?" I heard him ask quietly, his eyes still closed.

With a smile tugging at my lips I said, "because everyone deserves to be happy. All I want, Edward, is for you to be happy." I then pressed my lips to his forehead.

I leaned back to search his face. For what, I'm not sure. Hesitation, fear, regret. I was happy to see something on the total opposite end of the spectrum. Peace, contentment, and calmness. His features were relaxed, so I continued my ministrations. I let my fingers fall from his hair to the buttons of his shirt, slowly pushing each from its home. After I got the last button undone, I slowly ran my hands up from his abdomen, across his pecs, to his shoulders, all the while his muscles twitching and the sound of his shaking breath.

I pushed his shirt off his shoulders and down his muscular arms slowly as his breathing got heavier. Once I had his shirt down to his wrist, he removed his hands from my hips and let the fabric fall off his arms. I took the shirt in my hands and let it land at our feet.

Bending my knees slightly I came face to face with his muscular chest. Placing my hands on his shoulders as I started my praise on his chest. "You are a kind man, 'kiss' you are a caring man, 'kiss' you are a generous man, 'kiss' you are a gorgeous man, 'kiss'. I made my way down his chest and to the waist of his jeans.

Tonight, was not about me. Not about my need to feel sheer pleasure from this man. Not about my need to relieve the throbbing between my legs. Tonight, was about him. His need for comfort. His need for love. His need for pleasure. Tonight, I brought him over the edge three times. Hearing moan my name was all the pleasure I needed. Hearing him curse in the throws of passion sent me over the edge. He needed tonight, more than I did. And every night for the rest of my life I wanted to make sure he was cared for. That he knew he was loved. That he knew I would do anything to see that bright smile spread across his gorgeous face. I wanted to help him _feel_ again.

* * *

Playlist:

**Someone Like You by Van Morrison**

**Home by Dave Barnes**

**Belief by Gavin DeGraw**

**A/N: There is a chance I might make add a couple more chapters to this, but it all depends on the feedback I get!! So, please let me know what you think!!!! **

**Feedback is LOVE!!!!**


End file.
